Saturday, 15 October 2011

Stop These Spray-Can Vandals!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have recently identified a threat to the nation's heritage. And being a person who likes a spot of heritage, I say, stop it, now! Our streets are being menaced by mindless thugs, criminals and vandals, brandishing cans of spray paint. These people have no respect for anything. That is why they are going round and spraying their shitty tags on the proper graffiti.

These people cannot paint. They are not funny. They have no friends. People do not buy them drinks, invite them to parties, or take admiring photos of their efforts. That is why they hate the people who get such benefits. So much so that they feel compelled to go out at night and scrawl on their work. It is a pathetic attempt to prove that although they did not get there first, or indeed get there better, they got there more recently. I mean, like, wow.

For example, idiots have completely ruined this street art classic, which is one of my favourites. That painting of a star-trooper barbecuing R2-D2 has been there at least ten years, which is graffiti terms is the equivalent of a medieval manuscript.

Recently I went down Stokes Croft to photograph an extremely detailed piece commemorating the riots. Some loon had painted a massive Free Palestine slogan over it! I have never felt more kindly towards the state of Israel in my life. With friends like that, Palestinians, who needs enemies? Don't these people understand that the Stokes Crofts Riots are a bona fide historical event? Have they no respect? That mural was there to commemorate everyone who fell in the fight against Tesco, and trust me some people got some nasty grazes in the fight against Tesco, so I think their sacrifice should be respected. What's more, those Palestinians have got a massive wall of their own, helpfully put up by the Israelis, so why can't they draw on that?


Since we live in an age of political correctness, and liberal namby-pambyism rules the nation, I feel we cannot rely on the forces of law and order to stop this scourge. I tell you, there's only one thing left, and that's vigilantism. I'm going home to sew myself a superhero costume, and I'm going to be hanging out under the M32 roundabout with a mace spray. Don't say I didn't warn you.

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